Recent Blog Posts
The Basics for Divorced Parents and the New School Year
It is that time of the year again – summer is winding down and children are heading back to school. This time of year can be hectic enough, with shopping for new school clothes, school supplies, arranging for before and/or after-school care. However, for divorced parents, there can often be the added stress of not only ensuring your child has a great school year but also of dealing with your ex. Even in the friendliest of breakups, there can be some contentiousness that develops over back-to-school issues. Following these tips can help the school year go more smoothly.
Make Routines Routine
Children thrive on routine. Having a consistent schedule of dinner, homework, and bedtime – whether they are at Mom’s house or Dad’s house is much healthier, as well as a lot less stressful for a child, who may be also be dealing with the emotional effects of the divorce.
Commonly Forgotten Assets in an Illinois Divorce
In an Illinois divorce, one of the major decisions that the judge needs to determine is just how the property that the couple has acquired during the marriage should be divided. When most people hear the words “property division,” the items that usually come to mind are the family home and any other real estate a married couple might own; the family vehicles; and savings, checking, retirement and other financial accounts.
There are several other assets that couples tend to overlook as they are making their property lists, and these items can be just as valuable, as well as being a good negotiating tool during divorce negotiations. These assets often include:
Pets
Although many people consider their pets as family members, the courts do not. Pets are considered property and unless a divorcing couple can agree on where and with whom the pet will live with, a judge will make that decision as part of the property settlement.
Divorce Better for Children?
While the stigma surrounding the social implications of divorce has certainly lessened in the past few decades, there is still the question of whether or not divorcing when you have children is better or worse for the kids themselves. Most psychologists agree that staying in an unhealthy marriage is not good for children, but some argue that it is not better for a child to grow up without both parents, no matter what their relationship is like. These psychologists believe that a child is more apt to grow up stable if he or she has the structure of a two-parent home, and sees two adults working together in some capacity to raise him or her, regardless of the inner workings of their very personal relationship. Yet staying in an unhealthy marriage just for the kids may do damage not only to the children when they are young, but can also have lasting effects.
Cooperative Examples
Infidelity as a Reason for Divorce and the Consequences
Though extramarital affairs hardly carry the same weight of negative connotation that they did a half century ago, infidelity is still among the leading causes for divorce in American marriages. Marital infidelity is also serious issue when it comes to the process surrounding the dissolution of a marriage in court. The projected numbers as to the frequency of extramarital affairs are staggering: an estimated 45–50 percent of all married women and an estimated 50–60 percent of all married men in America have been unfaithful to their spouse at one point during the marriage, suggesting that a whopping half of all marriages in the country have, at some point, been affected by infidelity.
Not a Marital Death Sentence
This is not to say that all people who face the issue of infidelity in a marriage are destined for divorce. An estimated nearly two-thirds of all couples affected by infidelity choose to work through the issues and not to divorce as a direct result of the affair. To be fair, statistics that estimate how many couples stayed together initially but were unable to ultimately work it out are unavailable. Not all of the reasons for a couple staying together after one spouse is unfaithful are necessarily good ones, and not all marriages are truly worth saving, sadly. Many couples stay together because they are more afraid of being alone, are nervous about the impact on divorce, or because of financial implications.
What You Need to Know About Grey Divorce
Divorce is difficult. It can be even more difficult later in life, particularly when approaching old age. The number of these so-called grey divorces has skyrocketed in recent years. In addition to the more challenging emotional aspects of divorcing later in life, there are financial and medical considerations to make. Not only will there be retirement accounts to consider, but any financial mistake that a person makes while going through a grey divorce can be more challenging to overcome. Whether you were the primary earner in the marriage or not, the most important step is to speak with a qualified attorney.
Retirement Accounts and QDROs
If you have a joint retirement account with your soon-to-be ex and do not have a similar account in the name of the non-account holder, you will need to open one. If the retirement account is to be divided, you will need to directly transfer the money from one account to another so that neither account holder is taxed for the transfer. Any money deposited into a joint retirement account during the marriage will be subject to equitable distribution laws. If the owner of the account is younger than 59 ½ and the money is withdrawn before the divorce is finalized, he or she may be subject to a withdrawal penalty; money transferred during divorce proceedings or during separation will be subject to taxes. A qualified domestic relations order (QDRO) is required to make this type of transfer when holding a traditional workplace retirement account. Using a QDRO when transferring from a retirement account ensures that the transfer will not be taxable.
Avoid the Pitfalls of Social Media During Divorce
It is no secret that divorce can be messy and complicated. This is all the more true with the proliferation of social media, a virtual world in which no secrets are left secret and no trauma is left private. If you are facing divorce, there are several lifestyle choices that you will have to make—beginning with finances, living arrangements, and parenting schedules. With these crucial and weighty decisions to make, it can seem a fool’s errand to attempt to also control less-important things like social media. And yet if you are going through divorce, understanding how to get your social media assets under control can be one of the most important things you can do.
Protecting Yourself
There are several reasons for this, and they are not all only applicable if you are going through a less-than-amicable divorce process. The first, and most obvious, is that it can be painful to watch your soon-to-be-ex spouse moving on with his or her life. You may be struggling to cope with the emotional and psychological effect of ending your marriage, while he or she may appear to be just fine. It is important to keep in mind that many social media experts remind users that the image you see of someone on Facebook or Twitter is often carefully manipulated and not a true depiction of reality.
Why Divorce Is Not a Failure
Divorce is tough. Period. There are the big things: deciding who gets to keep what; child custody (now parental responsibilities); and saying goodbye to family members who you may never see again. There are the small things: your ex-spouse’s favorite restaurant; passing someone on the street wearing your former partner's favorite scent; the abandonment of places and activities you used to share together. These all contribute to why divorce is consistently rated the second-most stressful and painful thing that a person can go through in life—second only to the death of a spouse or child. This, of course, is because divorce can be considered as the death of love; the death of commitment, the death of the future you had planned together.
Yet through it all, it is crucial to remember that your divorce is not a failure. Understanding that the divorce, in the long run, may actually be a success for both you and your spouse is crucial to being able to truly move on and get past the pain.
Grieving over Divorce in the Workplace
Dealing with divorce can be difficult. This is especially true if the marriage dissolved for painful reasons, such as an extramarital affair or abusive (either physical or emotional) behavior. It can be even more difficult if you have a job or career that requires you to be professionally on-point and put-together, even as your personal life is falling apart. Knowing how to deal with grief in the workplace can help you to surmount these seemingly unforeseen circumstances and allow you to process your divorce in a healthy, supportive way. First, it is important to understand the stages of grief associated with the end of marriage.
Stages of Divorce Grief
For partners who did not want the divorce or did not expect their partner to seek one, shock may be the first serious emotion that arises. This shock stems not only from the actual dissolution of the marriage, but also from the deeper psychological implications of the loss of the future plans you and your spouse had made together. Marriage is widely understood to be a life commitment. When the commitment is dramatically shortened by divorce, there are often heavy emotional consequences. This shock may also manifest itself as denial. Anger may come next, followed by guilt and depression. All of these emotions will likely affect the way you are able to perform in the workplace.
Divorcing a Narcissist or “Narcopath”
There are countless reasons why a couple may decide that they are ready for divorce. The psychological state or condition of one half of the couple is definitely one of them. Just as broad definitions of different types of relationships continue to gain traction, so do the names and conditions of psychology. One of the most recent psychological terms coined by marriage counselors and psychologists is that of the “narcopath,” a person who is considered both a psychopath and a narcissist. This can be dreadful combination in a spouse, that could potentially result in emotional abuse of the other spouse, and subsequent divorce.
Like many subtle psychological conditions that can ruin a marriage, a narcopath does not necessarily display his or her condition outright. That is, the abuse perpetuated by such a person can sometimes be so disguised that the victim in the relationship does not notice the signs. These may include that the person is very good at fooling others in order to get what he or she wants. Another may be that any criticism is always handled in an extremely negative manner, which does not allow the other person to give constructive feedback. Another subtle sign is an inflated sense of self or ego.
Early and Personal Warnings Signs of Divorce
If you are in a marriage headed for divorce, there are several warning signs you can look for. It may seem cynical or even, relationship-wise, apocalyptic to look ahead and anticipate that divorce is on the horizon, but it is much better for all parties involved that reality is taken into consideration. That way, both parties can look ahead and begin planning for their new life—socially and financially as well as emotionally.
In many marriages, the writing is on the wall, plain and clear, and there are few doubts for either spouse that the relationship is headed for the end. This may be the case with an abusive relationship, for example, or one in which one partner has been unfaithful. Yet in other satiations, the slow decline of a relationship, the sputtering out of marriage and intimacy, can make identifying warning signs more difficult. This is particularly the case when those warning signs are internally-driven and recognized rather than external.
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